It’s ethically wrong—and terribly unfair—to poke fun at a person’s private medical status. As Democrats, we don’t like it when people ridicule President Joe Biden’s age, and it was definitely out of bounds for right-wing media to baselessly speculate on Hillary Clinton’s health during the 2016 election cycle. That said, independent president-ish candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has a dead worm in his brain.
In a 2012 deposition from his divorce that’s been reviewed by The New York Times, Kennedy said his doctors had noticed a spot on his brain scans and thought he might have a tumor, but one doctor later offered a second opinion, claiming that the spot “was caused by a worm that got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died.”
You’d be forgiven for thinking this is a joke—it certainly sounds like one—but it was printed in The New York Times, so it must be true. Whether the Times runs 20 above-the-fold stories about it in the week before the election after several of the worm’s emails are found on Anthony Weiner’s laptop—all of which are some version of “Of all the Kennedy brains in all the gin joints in all the world, I had to burrow into this one”—is another question entirely. But the paper of record has verified the story, so it’s bona fide, bruh.
But RFK Jr.’s biggest problem isn’t the dead worm in his brain—or the cognitive issues that may have resulted from either that condition or his mercury poisoning—it’s all the bad ideas in his head that are still very much alive.
RELATED STORY: RFK Jr. enlists worst pollster ever to help him pretend he can win
This would hardly be the first time RFK Jr.’s brain has threatened sentient life, and if he’s elected president—or if he tips the election to Donald Trump—it surely won’t be the last. And as the Times noted, “the 70-year-old Mr. Kennedy has portrayed his athleticism and relative youth as an advantage over the two oldest people to ever seek the White House,” so it’s more than reasonable to ask how this affects his ability to competently serve as the world’s most powerful pestilence-pusher.
The Times reports that atrial fibrillation, “a common heartbeat abnormality that increases the risk of stroke or heart failure,” has been a decades-long issue for the current Least Favorite Kennedy, and led to “at least four” hospitalizations. During a wintertime interview, however, Kennedy told the Times it had been over 10 years since his last episode and “he believed the condition had disappeared.”
About the same time he learned of the parasite, he said, he was also diagnosed with mercury poisoning, most likely from ingesting too much fish containing the dangerous heavy metal, which can cause serious neurological issues.
“I have cognitive problems, clearly,” he said in the 2012 deposition. “I have short-term memory loss, and I have longer-term memory loss that affects me.”
This winter, Kennedy claimed a full recovery.
Imagine if Joe Biden had copped to “clearly” having cognitive problems because there was a dead worm in his brain. The Times would have made that worm his running mate—assuming it was at least 35 years old, since the venerable Old Gray Lady is all about defending the Constitution these days.
But back to Kennedy. Unlike brain parasites, RFK Jr.’s very bad ideas are contagious. As is measles. And polio. And smallpox. And whatever godawful pandemic disease happens to hit us next. And our best defense against all those diseases is vaccination, and RFK Jr. is infamously anti-vaxx.
Recall that, during a July 2023 podcast, Kennedy said, “There’s no vaccine that is, you know, safe and effective.” Then again, that may have just been the worm talking, because in a November 2023 “PBS NewsHour” interview, he denied ever having said it.
Whether he made that specific comment or not, it’s been obvious for some time that Kennedy is susceptible to the kinds of anti-vaxx quackery and conspiracy theories that have helped make measles great again. It’s also been obvious that he’s trying to hide his anti-vaccine views and advocacy from suburban mothers who’d prefer their children not be killed or maimed by easily preventable diseases.
During congressional testimony in July 2023, Kennedy said, “I have never been anti-vaxx. I have never told the public to avoid vaccination.”
But The Associated Press made quick work of that statement based on just about everything Kennedy has ever said or done as he’s made his opposition clear multiple times.
In July, Kennedy said in a podcast interview that “There’s no vaccine that is safe and effective” and told FOX News that he still believes in the long-ago debunked idea that vaccines can cause autism. In a 2021 podcast he urged people to “resist” CDC guidelines on when kids should get vaccines.
“I see somebody on a hiking trail carrying a little baby and I say to him, better not get them vaccinated,” Kennedy said.
That same year, in a video promoting an anti-vaccine sticker campaign by his nonprofit, Kennedy appeared onscreen next to one sticker that declared “IF YOU’RE NOT AN ANTI-VAXXER YOU AREN’T PAYING ATTENTION.”
Just imagine what a guy like this with outsized influence over the CDC and FDA could do to the general welfare of this country. It wouldn’t be pretty.
Ah, but he’s not just fixing to infect our bodies with repellent diseases—he also wants to sully our minds with repugnant ideas. In a video first surfaced by The New York Post, Kennedy claimed, during a dinner last year in New York City, that “there is an argument that [COVID-19] is ethnically targeted. COVID-19 attacks certain races disproportionately. COVID-19 is targeted to attack Caucasians and Black people. The people who are most immune are Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese. We don’t know whether it was deliberately targeted or not but there are papers out there that show the racial or ethnic differential and impact.”
We don’t know, huh? Well, when RFK Jr. is president, maybe he can appoint Mel Gibson to lead a task force to explore the question further. Or maybe he thought it might be fun to casually toss another antisemitic conspiracy theory into the great American melting pot Petri dish and see what grows.
Meanwhile, members of the Kennedy family who are horrified at the prospect of a second Kennedy administration—and they are legion—now include RFK Jr.’s cousin Jack Schlossberg. Per The Hill Schlossberg made a bunch of Instagram videos to humorously convey that he’s ridin’ with Biden—all while poking fun at his spoiler candidate cuzzo.
In the first video, Schlossberg impersonated a Massachusetts man named Jimmy.
“A lot of people, a lot of people talking about Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Robert F. Kennedy Jr.,” Schlossberg said. “You know, I’m a fan of his father. And you know his uncle? Rest in peace. I remember where I was the day he was killed; I mean, it was a tragic day, the entire country wept. But listen, that guy, he’s a prick. The new guy, the young guy, he’s a friggin’ prick.”
All jokes aside, the biggest danger Kennedy ultimately poses to the republic is his potential to confuse longtime Democrats who are still drawn to the Kennedy brand. His inclusion on the ballot could easily throw the election into chaos and help Trump pull off a narrow victory.
That said, even if RFK Jr.’s quixotic presidential bid does tip the election to Trump, we should still have some sympathy. That condition must have been terrifying. For the worm, anyway. Imagine being stuck in RFK Jr.’s brain. A perfunctory search of Etsy.com found no tiny seppuku knives currently being marketed to brain parasites, so it probably died of natural causes. Or mercury poisoning. Or perhaps plain old despair.
Either way, the worm’s suffering is now over, and RFK Jr. can no longer hurt it. Americans should all be so lucky.
RELATED STORY: Trump fumes as RFK Jr.’s anti-vaxx views land with MAGA voters
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