It’s a new day in New Jersey, though it may not seem like it.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey is so repetitive that it’s almost revolutionary in its approach. Every season, you think that surely, this will be the year production reboots to freshen the show. And year after year, those expectations wash away as filming starts and the same ladies return for the same stories.
It’s Groundhog Day, every day. At this point, you’ve either developed New Jersey Stockholm Syndrome, or you’re begging the Bravo gods to release you from this eternal purgatory. I say that all to preface this radically optimistic prediction: RHONJ will have a cast shake-up following this season.
From the first minute of the premiere, it’s clear Bravo knows the current cast dynamic is unsustainable. This almost defeatist approach is kind of refreshing (only kind of—let’s not bust out the champagne just yet, Bravo.) We’re watching the end of an era, the longest-ever Housewives stalemate, and it’s a test to see who will make the cut and who will receive the axe.
If one thing’s clear from the humdrum premiere, it’s that the future of RHONJ isn’t Teresa/Melissa drama, the thirst bucket men, or Jackie Goldschneider. (Catch her or she goes Houdini. This is my last Dua Lipa reference—I promise.) It should be Jennifer Fessler and her identical twin mothers. Yes, she’s still a friend-of, which is more evidence that Sirens Media has none of the competence necessary to successfully man the Housewives ship, but Jenn is the only member of the RHONJ ensemble who feels fresh.
And maybe production realizes that, just a little, as the premiere’s main event is none other than Jenn’s surprise birthday party. Let’s rewind to the beginning, though. After all, the episode’s best moment was its first 80 seconds. Perhaps the most intriguing aspect of this opening tease, though, is that it centers Dolores Catania in the drama. Is Dolores feuding with Margaret? Doubtful, but the tease is Bravo’s admittance that the show needs to shake up its stale dynamics.
A clip teases somewhat of a Teresa/Jen rift, as well as Jackie’s deflection to the other side, promising that the season will change it up, at least a bit. It really is production’s thinly veiled effort to say, “We get it, this season doesn’t look that good. This premiere is mediocre. But you know what? We can still edit.” And I respect it. Bravo has some of the best editors in the business, and they know how to put together an in media res opener.
The actual season opens on a more middling note, as our first full solo scene comes from Ms. Fuda, whose extended family makes a visit to her millennial grey home. A toddler says “foccach,” John Fuda grills, and people drink wine. Sitting on a back patio with an extended Italian family, I almost felt like we were back in the Manzo household, but this is a New Jersey family (a new New Jersey fambily, I should say), even if the structure is just like all that came before.
Meanwhile, Melissa and Teresa pack up their respective daughters to move to college. Everyone loves a good “moving the kiddo to college” storyline just as much as they love the “vaginal rejuvenation” scenes, of course, but at least the RHONJ kids are a more integral part of the fold, so the emotional beats hit better.
And despite Melissa’s insistence she’s in a new era and won’t discuss Teresa any longer, is discussing how you won’t discuss someone really not discussing them? We’re on the carousel and it simply won’t ever stop turning—for both Melissa and Teresa. At least Teresa has the common decency to have a grifter husband the color of a tomato, though. If you’re going to be redundant with your storylines, you may as well add in a ticking time bomb to spice things up.
Then, Margaret goes and visits Jenn Fessler for a little backyard lunch, where Margaret reveals she’s struggling with the death of her ex-husband, Jan. Here, we get a hint at not just one of Margaret’s overarching storylines for the season, but two, as it becomes clear Jenn isn’t the grudge holder her friend is, and has no issues befriending Teresa.
As for Teresa, she has a shocking revelation to reveal: Melissa and Margaret pre-gamed the reunion. With all due respect to Teresa, studying for the final exam is simply the rational thing to do, and people who hate you are likely to want to take you down. Dolores notes that in her confessional, but of course she’s mute in the moment.
This is probably as good a moment as any to mention the almost unintelligible, completely disastrous social media drama regarding the weirdest parasocial accounts in the RHONJ sphere. A plethora of Teresa and Jennifer Aydin stan accounts have deflected from their full-time shifts at the stan factory to claim tweedle dee and tweedle dumb were giving them behind-the-scenes info and turning accounts against their enemies, while Jen’s also accused of giving Bravo screeners to fan accounts. I can’t, in good conscience, even leak to the podcasts and tweets referencing all of this, but if you would like to fall down a despairing rabbit hole, you know where to look.
That’s all to say: The fan accounts are as deeply insane and entrenched in delusion as the Housewives they support, and there’s something beautiful yet sad about that. Unfortunately for Jen, being the next Reality Von Tease may not bode well for her, especially because screeners have digital watermarks.
Interestingly enough, Jennifer’s own involvement in the premiere is minimal, at best. She doesn’t show up until Fessler’s party, where she’s all-too-eager to bring up social media rumors that John Fuda was a drug dealer and also likes being pegged. It’s a bit funny watching this given the accusations of backseat manipulating against Jennifer, but it’s even funnier to watch these ladies discuss pegging like it’s some scandal. John Fuda liking to be pegged is the least upsetting thing about him. They are spreading pro-John propaganda, and they don’t even realize it.
The party itself, well, that’s more of the same. A flood of hi’s and hello’s enter the room—none between Melissa and Teresa, of course—before the men do what they always do, stirring up drama.
John wants to have his one-on-one conversation with Louie at the party (as a reminder, the two sparred at last year’s reunion over allegations Louie hired a private investigator to dig into the Fudas’ lives), something Paulie finds classless. The faces get as red as the shirts are tight, and it’s truly such a pathetic showing from each of these men, save Danielle’s husband Nate. Teresa finally grabs the torch for the ladies and approaches Rachel (albeit, to discuss their respective husbands).
After accusing John of drug dealing, Teresa grabs a few Starbursts for the road, before greeting John with a mention of double-sided dildos. It’s a sleepy showing for Teresa, who’s going through the motions of her mess in a way that doesn’t exude any of the vapid joy her best moments have. For that to be the definitive moment of the premiere is certainly a bad sign. Teresa vs. John is going to have to pick up the steam, as I’m already over this rendition of it.
Will this season all be worth it to see Margaret say “Jackie ‘Judas’ Goldschneider” (or is it Jackie ‘Giudice’ Goldschneider)? Maybe so. I’m an eternal Housewives optimist, and I believe that RHONJ can deliver a worthwhile season, even if it’s already clear this won’t be one for the record books. Sometimes, we have to hit rock bottom to find our way back up.
It’s pretty interesting to know immediately that a season is going to be narratively moot. Even The Real Housewives of Potomac Season 8 had moments of promise before it flatlined in Austin. We can watch every episode of this season knowing that it’s at least half the cast’s swan song. The only question left is: Who will survive? In the coming weeks, that should become abundantly clear. Fingers crossed each and every husband has their role slashed to smithereens. If I’m anything, it’s a fervent hater of the New Jersey men, and I will stand by that ‘til the bitter end.
