Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Leftover Candy Corn FRIDAY!

Late Night Snark: The Wurlitzer of Evil Plays On…

“Meanwhile in Washington, Republicans chose a new House speaker: Mike Johnson, a man with ‘resting assistant principal face.’ Very little was known about Johnson before this week. Senator Susan Collins said, ‘I was going to Google him this morning.”

—John Oliver

“Kelly [Johnson] is just as weird as her husband. She runs something called Onward Christian Counseling Services, which offensively and outrageously equates being gay with bestiality. The type of therapy Kelly Johnson ‘specializes’ in breaks people into categories called Melancholy, Choleric, Sanguine, Supine, and Phlegmatic. Those are some 13^th-century beliefs, which explains Speaker Johnson’s plan to replace Obamacare with the Affordable Leech Act.”

—Stephen Colbert

Continued…

You are now below the fold. I see they’ll let anyone in here now.

“Mike Pence told a group of Jewish Republicans over the weekend that his campaign is no more. It’s a shame he’ll never be president. For one, just think of all the wonderful dancing that would’ve been outlawed at his inaugural ball.”

—Jimmy Kimmel

“The Texas Rangers defeated the Arizona Diamondbacks to win the World Series, which came as a shock to Mets fans who thought baseball ended in August.“

—Seth Meyers

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“Former president Trump held a campaign rally in Sioux City, Iowa, but he didn’t quite seem to know where he was.  [Clip of Trump saying “Thank you very much Sioux Falls.”]  Biden was like, ‘someone help that poor old man, he’s confused and disoriented.’ “

—Jimmy Fallon

“Michael Cohen testified that Trump’s three oldest children were involved in putting together financial statements for his company. Ivanka wrote the summaries, Don Jr. put together the numbers, and Eric licked the envelopes.”

—Michael Che, SNL

“Michigan State apologized after an image of Adolf Hitler appeared on a stadium video board at a football game. Even more upsetting, it was during the Kiss-Cam.”

—Colin Jost, SNL

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 3, 2023

Note: A reminder that tomorrow is Stress Awareness Day.  To inform motorists around you who might not know this, drive up behind them and use your horn to honk “Hey! It’s Stress Awareness Day!” in Morse code. They’ll appreciate the reminder.  Thanks—together we can build a stress-free world for everyone.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

Days ’til Thanksgiving: 20

Days ’til the Cheese and Meat Festival in Portland, Oregon: 8

Amount Trump’s business saved in loan interest as a result of fraud, according to a witness at his New York trial: $168 million

Amount that for-profit Christian “school” Grand Canyon University is being fined by the Education Department for ripping off students enrolled in its doctoral programs: $37.7 million

Amount Mexico is allocating to rebuild Acapulco after the Cat-5 hurricane struck: $3.4 billion

Maximum prison sentence, along with a $250,000 fine, if 21 year old Cornell junior Patrick Dai is convicted for making violent threats to the college’s Jewish community: 5 years

Powerball numbers for November 3, 2012: 4, 7, 9, 30, 54 and lucky bonus 25

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Puppy Pic of the Day: “Hey…settle down.”

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CHEERS and JEERS to the tiny parasite-infested boil on the universe’s butt. As we head into another crisp autumn weekend, let’s take a quick continent-by-continent inventory of where things stand on the pale blue dot known as Planet Earth:

North America: Yuck

South America: Meh

Europe: Ack

Asia: Gack

Africa: Yikes!

The Arctic: [Polar bear primal scream]

Antarctica: [Emperor penguin primal scream]

Australia: No worries! Swimming in vegemite and Victoria Bitter, mate…and we finally got our fried-out Kombi fixed!

Conclusion: F*ck Australia for not being a team player. (And your little New  Zealand, too.)

CHEERS to getting an extra hour of sleep. Daylight Saving Time ends at 2am Sunday. (Yes, you must stay up ’til 2am to change your clocks or else DST won’t end properly and you’ll have to destroy all your clocks and start over, according to the Association of American Clock Sellers.) It’s the usual routine: If you’re a Democrat, turn your clocks back one hour.  If you’re a Republican, turn your clocks back 300 years and then go viciously attack a minority in the name of Jesus.

CHEERS to a very bad day for the GOP.  Eighty-seven years ago today, on November 3rd, 1936, FDR was re-elected in a landslide over Alf Landon by—get this—523 electoral votes to 8.

On this date twenty-eight years later, the papers trumpeted Lyndon Johnson’s victory over Barry Goldwater 486-52.  Twenty-eight years after that Bill Clinton dispatched George H.W. Bush by a less-substantial but still impressive 370-168 margin. Sixteen years after that, Barack Obama disposed of John McCain 365-173. And 12 years after that, Joe Biden cleaned The Thing’s clock by an embarrassing 306-232. Grand total: 2,060 to 535.  Takeaway message: revenge is a dish best served lopsided.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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JEERS to little green footballs.  71 years ago this week, in 1952, Clarence Birdseye first marketed frozen peas.  We hate ’em—they’re stinky, pungent and squishy—and anyone who thinks otherwise must be a socialist Marxist commie.  But we’ll say this: if you’re packin’ a spoon, they make awesome catapult ammo at the Thanksgiving dinner table.  (Especially if you’re sitting across from Uncle MAGA.)

CHEERS to home vegetation. There’s one single leaf still hangin’ on for dear life in the backyard, and I refuse to start raking until it drops.  So until then, it’s weekend boob-tubage. As always, MSNBC is the place to go for details of any Friday night news dumps. Or at 8 you can live-tweet the classic Star Trek episode The Tholian Web (H&I Network) with me at hashtag #allstartrek.

The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes (nothing that tickles my fancy this week). The NHL schedule is here and the NBA schedule is here.

Sunday on 60 Minutes: a report from Cayo Santiago aka “Monkey Island” and disgraced attorney John Eastman whines about his imminent disbarment.  Bart is turned into a non-fungible token and an outbreak transforms Springfield into a den of lazy, beer-loving oafs on The Simpsons (for those of you keeping score, this is Treehouse of Horror XXXIV). And speaking of horror: Peter and Lois vacation in Florida on Family Guy. Sunday night at 11 on HBO: John Oliver humbly presents a new episode of his one-man show Last Week Tonight.

Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: Ukarine’s president Volodymyr Zelenskyy. 

This Week: White House Deputy National Security Adviser Jon Finer; Gov. Glenn Youngkin (MAGA Cult-VA); House Majority Asshole Steve Scalise (MAGA Cult-LA); former RNC Chair Reince Priebus shows up to let America know how his 2012 “rebranding” of the Republican party into a kinder, gentler organization is going.

Face the Nation: Palestinian Ambassador to the U.K., Dr. Husam Zomlot; Deputy White House National Security Advisor Jonathan Finer; Israel’s ambassador to the U.S. Michael Herzog; Rep. Tony Gonzales (MAGA Cult-TX); Rep. Jason Crow (D-CO); Ukraine’s Ambassador to the U.S. Oksana Markarova.

CNN’s State of the Union: Bernie!!!  Plus Israeli Ambassador to the U.S. Gilad Erdan; Sens. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) and Lindsey Graham (MAGA Cult-SC); Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-TX).

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: House Speaker Mike Johnson (MAGA Cult-LA); Gov. Mike DeWine (MAGA Cult-OH); Sen. Jack Reed (D-RI).

Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: November 3, 2013

JEERS to pepper le pew.  In Irwindale, California, residents complained that the Sriracha hot sauce being produced in the Huy Fong Foods plant there was making a foul stench and causing headaches and watery eyes.  A judge says that, for the next week, the company can keep on keepin’ on as it wraps up its production season, and then they’ll re-evaluate things.  Here in Maine we have something similar that causes headaches and brings us to tears on a regular basis.  Unfortunately we’re stuck with Governor Paul LePage for the another year.  And two months.  And three hours.  And 42 minutes.  Not that we’re counting.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to dastardly deeds definitively denied.  Happy Guy Fawkes Day & Bonfire Night two nights early!  Via the UK Telegraph, for the uninitiated:

Bonfire Night commemorates the failure of the Gunpowder Plot in November 1605 by a gang of Roman Catholic activists led by Warwickshire-born Robert Catesby. When Protestant King James I began his reign, English Catholics had hoped that the persecution felt for over 45 years under his predecessor Queen Elizabeth would finally end, but this didn’t transpire so the Gunpowder Plot conspirators resolved to assassinate the King and his ministers by blowing up the Palace of Westminster during the state opening of Parliament.

Guy (Guido) Fawkes and his fellow conspirators, having rented out a house close to the Houses of Parliament, managed to smuggle 36 barrels of gunpowder into a cellar of the House of Lords—enough to completely destroy the building. […] Explosive expert Fawkes, who had been left in the cellars to set off the fuse, was subsequently caught when a group of guards checked the cellars at the last moment. The conspirators were all either killed resisting capture or—like Fawkes—tried, convicted, and executed.

Guy Fawkes Day is celebrated in the United Kingdom, and in a number of countries that were formerly part of the British Empire, with fireworks, bonfires and parades.

So, basically, it commemorates the time when an extremist organized a bunch of other extremists to weasel their way into the government and destroy its ability to govern.  Or as they call it in MAGA Land: a day ending in “y.”

Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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