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New Arizona book-banning bill would also prohibit making porn in schools, because Republicans

Remember when Republicans were all, “Oh, man, this inflation is just the worst thing ever. Better elect a bunch of us so we can get those egg prices down. All you gotta do is cede control of your own eggs—plus your uteri, genitalia, et. alia—to us! Don’t fret! We got you! Sure, 10-year-old rape victims are being forced to give birth, but have you seen the price of diapers lately? Unwilling preteen mothers can’t afford to take care of their own kids! Thanks, Biden!”

Yeah, that didn’t last long. Indeed, Republicans are far more likely to back policies—like stifling immigration and protecting the super-rich from paying their fair share in taxes—that make inflation worse. What they’re great at, though, is crafting solutions in search of problems that only matter to people sitting at home whipping Werther’s Originals at their cathode ray tube TVs whenever Nancy Pelosi appears onscreen.

Like, did you know it’s vitally important to pass laws making it illegal to shoot porn on public school grounds? Well, now you do. 

RELATED STORY: Suit challenges Arkansas law allowing librarians to be criminally charged over ‘harmful’ materials

Arizona Mirror:

A Republican state senator is urging the Arizona governor to sign a bill that would end the “practice of filming pornography in K-12 schools,” something that is currently not allowed or encouraged at public schools in the state.

Sen. Jake Hoffman, R-Queen Creek, put out a statement earlier this week asking Democratic Gov. Katie Hobbs to sign his Senate Bill 1696, which would make it illegal for sexually explicit acts to be filmed or facilitated on property owned, leased or managed by the state or any other government entity in Arizona.

But the bill also stops workers for any government agency in the state from referring minors to sexually explicit materials, which could stop public librarians from referring teens to some classic works of literature and even informative books about reproduction and puberty.

Oh, great. So anyone who votes against yet another pernicious book-banning bill will also need to vote against prohibiting elementary school porn shoots. What are the chances that will show up in a deeply dishonest series of 2024 political attack ads?

Of course, Sen. Hoffman didn’t just pull this idea out of the thin air inside his head. Someone actually did shoot a porno at a school in Arizona. Samantha Peer, a teacher at Thunderbolt Middle School in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, resigned in October after making an explicit video at her school and sharing it on her OnlyFans page. Her husband, who worked at another school in the district and was also featured on the OnlyFans account, was let go shortly after Peer resigned. Sounds awful, yes. But the system worked, and she’s no longer employed in the school district. So legislating a solution is clearly a waste of time. 

What really might have prevented this regrettable incident, of course, is a bump in teacher salaries. And that’s not just speculation. In fact, Peer explicitly cited her low salary as a motivation for launching her OnlyFans page. “It got to a point where our family was not able to survive on our two teachers’ income,” she said.

There you go. The simple solution to the rampant scourge of cloakroom porn has magically appeared in front of our noses. And just in time, too. The creamed corn budget on “Lunch Ladies Gone Wild LXIX” had gotten seriously out of hand. 

Of course, the more problematic part of Hoffman’s bill is arguably its ban on government agencies referring minors to “sexually explicit” materials. That provision could be broadly interpreted to mean that sex education texts and numerous examples of classic literature should be prohibited as well, noted state Sen. Priya Sundareshan, a Democrat from Tucson. 

Sundareshan, who’s given birth to two children in the past three years, cited a book she checked out of her local library that included useful information on pregnancy, including its origins. If this bill is passed, she says, it could prompt throngs of haughty hoo-hoo hunters and dogged dingus dowsers to besiege their local libraries in search of objectionable material. (I’m paraphrasing, of course.) “I benefited from public libraries having the ability to provide me with scientifically accurate information,” said Sundareshan, in reference to the pregnancy guide.

Of course, if this bill becomes law—it won’t, because Arizona’s governor is decidedly not Kari Lake—many of us will be keen to flag the title that contains this titillating passage:

“She lusted after their lovers, whose flesh is like the flesh of donkeys and whose discharge is like the discharge of horses. So you longed for the outrageous sin of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your breasts because of the breasts of your youth.”

Yup, that’s from Ezekiel 23:20-21 in the—oh, fuck me, Mr. Green Jeans—International Children’s Bible. Yeah, this dude in Utah had the right idea. After all, even the legendary Roald Dahl was forced to remove all horse semen references from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” (And now you know what really happened to Augustus Gloop.)

At some point, voters will realize that Republicans are far more interested in outraging their constituents than helping them. That day better come soon, because civilization really may be falling apart—and it has nothing to do with Democratic priorities

Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.   

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