Our fifth scheduled witness today is Mr. I.P. Freely, of Butt City, Kansas. Mr. Freely’s deep online biography, which we have printed out copies of for the convenience of the press, highlights his service in the Squirrel War of 1862, and his heroic acts were rewarded with five Belgian Medals of Honor. Mr. Freely’s testimony will prove, without a doubt, that Hunter Biden once painted a picture of a dog, a Labrador retriever by the name of Mr. Spunky, who serves as consigliere in the New Jersey-based ButtyButtButt crime family.
Unfortunately Mr. Freely informed us by email earlier today that he would not be able to attend at this time, as he is currently in the hospital for Severe Butt Syndrome. We wish Mr. Freely good health and he has promised to contact us after he has been released by his doctors.
Witnesses six and seven are unfortunately unable to attend today because they were scheduled to appear in court on federal drug trafficking charges.
Witness eight, we have now learned, is currently fleeing process servers.
Our ninth witness is Jesus our Lord. He is with us right now, though you cannot see him, and I believe that to be a very comforting thought. Sometimes I like to imagine that he is crawling through the air conditioning ducts of the U.S. Capitol, out of sight, because he is on a secret mission like Tom Cruise was in the “Mission: Impossible” movies. Amen.
That brings us to our 10th witness, and while our previous nine witnesses were either unavailable at this time or are Jesus, who will not be speaking today, we will now hear from this 10th witness. Our witness will now give short remarks linking the Biden family to serious crimes in Ukraine or possibly Belarus.
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I have just been told by my staffer that a cat has gotten to our 10th witness after our witness’s cage was left open. Regrettably, Mr. Cuddlecheeks did not survive the attack. I assure you that we will investigate this matter thoroughly and with all the authority given to us by Congress, and will hold a news conference in the future after we have determined the cat’s motives and political ties. Thank you, everyone, and we will be taking no questions at this time. Please leave.
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