Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Freaky Fusion FRIDAY!

You are now below the fold. We suggest crampons for the rest of your descent.

“Elon Musk is being slammed for a tweet he posted that said ‘My pronouns are prosecute and Fauci.’  Fauci was like, ‘Much like a Tesla battery, Elon’s on fire.'”
—Jimmy Fallon

“I have a problem with any richest man in the world who comes to this country to casually slander a doctor who devoted his entire life to protecting our children, while you’re off playing grab-ass with Trump and firing rockets off to prove your penis works.”
—Jimmy Kimmel on Elon Musk’s bullshit criticism of Dr. Fauci

Trevor Noah bids farewell after seven years…

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“Donald Trump said the results of the 2020 election should be overturned and called for the ‘termination’ of the Constitution. Trump plans to terminate the Constitution by asking Herschel Walker to drive it to the clinic.”
—Michael Che, SNL

“Because idiots in [the Republican] party politicized the vaccine, almost twice as many Republicans died from Covid before the midterms than the Democrats. Y’all killed your own voters! It’s the stupidest political strategy since the Whigs’ slogan of 1840: Tippecanoe and Taunt A Grizzly.”
—Stephen Colbert

“The federal government is set to run out of money on Friday at midnight. But it was worth it for those Taylor Swift tickets!”
—Seth Meyers

And that infamous holly jolly day nine years ago:

Clip of Fox News host Megyn Kelly: For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white.
Jon Stewart: Santa is just white? Who are you actually talking to—children who are sophisticated enough to be watching a news channel at 10 o’clock at night, yet innocent enough to still believe Santa Claus is real, yet racist enough to be freaked out if he isn’t white?“

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 16, 2022

Note: Please be aware that the Baldwin sisters’ eggnog is likely spiked with moonshine.  Ike Godsey has pulled it from the shelves at the general store and the proper Nelson County authorities have been notified. But daaaaang it’s yummy. Or…um…so I hear.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

Days ’til 2023: 16

Days ’til the New Year’s Eve Big Cheese Drop in Plymouth, Wisconsin: 15

Number of bathtubs that could be filled with the oil that gushed from the Keystone pipeline into a Kansas creek last week: 14,000

Estimated number of those bathtubs of oil that have been recovered by TC Energy: 2,600

Percent of Americans polled by YouGov who believe nudie pics of people posted without their consent should be removed from social media sites, versus 9% who say they shouldn’t: 83%

Percent who believe calls to commit violence should also be removed, versus 12% who say they shouldn’t: 78%

Number of religious groups in America that are larger than the religiously-unaffiliated: 0

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…

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CHEERS to future events such as these that will affect you in the future. To recap the news that happened between yesterday morning’s C&J and this evening’s: big storms, Trump’s “big” announcement (he’s stealing Ivanka’s credit card to buy Greenland), Nancy Pelosi’s portrait unveiled, the economy and Biden’s poll numbers continue improving, Russia and Elon Musk continue losing their souls along with their shit, anti-vaxxers continue spreading their filthy diseases, right-wing evangelical leaders continue getting arrested for financial fraud and child porn, and the ever-underestimated future-seer Chuck Schumer stepped up to a microphone and gave us a morale-boost for The Holidays:

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, beaming with confidence after having proved his doubters wrong and expanded his majority in the midterm elections, vowed without hesitation that the Democratic Party will keep control again in two years.

“Yes, I absolutely do [believe it will] if we stick to our North Star, which is: help people with things that they need help with,” Schumer, D-N.Y., said in an interview Wednesday in the Capitol.

Two reasons for his optimistic prediction: the effects of Democratic legislation (and lack of scandals) will continue moving the economy in the right direction, while the insurrection-happy MAGAts of The Stupid Party will continue turning off real Americans by the millions. Says Schumer: “You put those two things together, and I think the election results in 2024 might be better than a lot of people are now predicting.” Which reminds me of a third reason: unlike Republicans, Democrats actually have more than two brain cells to put together.

CHEERS to Menorah palooza.  Next week will be one of dread in my neck of the woods, as I become what my neighbors fear most: an Episcopalian brandishing a dreidel and a platter of my homemade latkes topped with fresh fire extinguisher foam.  Last year I took out six windows, two lampposts and a hedge with the former, and made the old lady down the street tap into her supplemental dental insurance with the latter. We trust things will be a little more peaceful where you are when the Jewish counterpart to Christmas starts Sunday at sundown. Which reminds me…

It was just before Hanukkah and Miriam was giving directions to her grown-up grandson, who was coming to visit for the first time since she’d moved to her new apartment.

“Come to the front door, “Miriam said. “There’s a panel at the door. Use your elbow to push button 3A and I’ll buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on your right. Get in the elevator and user your elbow to press the third-floor button. When you get out, my apartment is on the left. Use your elbow to ring my doorbell and I’ll open the door for you.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy,” said the grandson. “But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

Replied Miriam: “You’re coming to visit empty handed?”

Happy Channuka, Channukah, Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanuko, Hannuka, Hannukah, Hanuka, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Kanukkah, Khannuka, Khannukah, Khanuka, Khanukah, Khanukkah, and Xanuka!!! Or, in the immortal words of thankfully-former Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker: “Molotov!”

CHEERS to civil disobedience…with pinky extended. I hope you remembered to throw a few bags of Earl Grey into the nearest body of water today, the 249th anniversary of the Boston Tea Party. That was the day in 1773 when rebellious colonists dumped a few hundred chests of tea into Boston Harbor, an act of defiance against the British Crown for imposing taxation without representation. Which is exactly what the modern day “tea party”—now the MAGA Cult—is all about, plus racism, birtherism, secessionism, misogyny, Islamophobia, homophobia, and making the rich as comfortable as possible…but minus the taxation without representation part since they do have taxation with representation—they’re called representatives. And for those of you represented by Marjorie Taylor-Greene, we have just one thing to say: thoughts and prayers.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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JEERS to lame attempts at swaying the tin-foil hat crowd. 53 years ago tomorrow, in 1969, the U.S. Air Force closed its Project “Blue Book” by concluding there was no evidence of extraterrestrial spaceships behind the thousands of UFO sightings they’d investigated:

The Air Force supplies the following summary of its investigations:

1) No UFO reported, investigated, and evaluated by the Air Force was ever an indication of threat to our national security;

2) There was no evidence submitted to or discovered by the Air Force that sightings categorized as “unidentified” represented technological developments or principles beyond the range of modern scientific knowledge; and

3) There was no evidence indicating that sightings categorized as “unidentified” were extraterrestrial vehicles.

It might have been more credible if the spokesperson delivering the news, Captain Blurp Oorksplorg, hadn’t been speaking out of his elbow tentacle.

CHEERS to home vegetation. Weekend TV gets off to a fast start tonight with Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew doing the Friday news dump thing…also the 90th annual Hollywood Communist Socialist War on Christmas Parade on the CW…and at 11 Kate Winslet promotes the new Avatar movie she stars in on BBC America’s The Graham Norton Show.

The new movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (The aforementioned Avatar 2 gets an 80% “fresh” rating, which is good but not great.) The NBA schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here, and the eagerly-awaited Pro Tiddlywinks World Championship “Tiddly Diddly Bowl” schedule is here. The PNC Championship golf tourney (NBC) airs tomorrow and Sunday afternoon.  Austin Butler hosts SNL, but because he played the title role in Elvis, he’s only allowed to be seen from the waist up.

On 60 Minutes: the Convoy of Life, which is helping Ukrainian kids with cancer get treatment as Russia attacks hospitals. Lisa gets called up for jury duty on The Simpsons, and Peter and Quagmire accidentally switch underwear with wacky consequences on Family Guy. And the weekend wraps up Sunday night with an epic duel between the Giants- Commanders football game on NBC, When Christmas Was Young on CBS, and The Sound of Music on ABC.  Bill in Portland Maine’s pro tip: never bet against Julie Andrews—ever. Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:

Face the Nation: Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV); Rep. Henry Cuellar  (D-TX); Rep. Tony Gonzales (The Cult-TX); former FDA guy Scott Gottlieb.

Meet the Press: Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass (D); Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OH); Gov. Asa Hutchinson (The Cult-AR).

This Week: Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA); Ukrainian Ambassador to the U.S. Oksana Markarova; Gov. Greg Abbott (The Cult-TX).

CNN’s State of the Union: Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); Rep. Mike Gallagher (The Cult-WI); Rep. Madeleine Dean (D-PA); Sen. Pat Toomey (The Cult-PA).

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep Chip Roy (The Cult-TX); Rep. Veronica Escobar (D-TX).

Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: December 16, 2012

JEERS to cheap sloganeering. When tea party darling Paul LePage became our governor a couple years back, he had signs put up along the turnpike saying “Maine: Open For Business” and promised to usher in a new era of booming business here because, hey, HE’S A BUSINESSMAN!!!  So how’s that magic business revival going at the hands of that magic businessman? Well, as far as Forbes is concerned…

Maine ranked No. 50 in Forbes seventh annual “Best States for Business.” … “This ranking shows that the priorities and distractions of the last two years aren’t working,” said Senate President Justin Alfond of Portland.

So now we’ve got new turnpike signs: “Maine: Open For Lame Excuses Why We’re Not Open For Business Yet.”

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And just one more…

CHEERS to the Fabulous Ludwig B.  When I was 10 (circa 1974), me and a busload of 5th grade classmates went to see the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra.  It was the first time I’d ever heard classical music played by a live orchestra. When the opening notes of Beethoven’s 6th ‘Pastoral’ symphony started playing, it was love at first downbeat and I’ve been waving my lighter and throwing my underwear on the stage at concerts ever since.  Today the world is celebrating Beethoven’s 251st birthday. For the occasion, Ludwig got us a present: goosebumps (still the best start of a flash mob ever)…

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No need for presents. Ludwig doesn’t really celebrate birthdays anymore. He just spends the day quietly decomposing.

Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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