There’s never been a president—or a presidential family—so hyped to slap their name on products. It’s just our luck that besides being the most monstrous president of our lifetime, President Donald Trump is also the tackiest, so all of this stuff is hot, wet garbage.
There is also so, so much of it at so, so many different places, that we’re going to have to break this down by store.
Prepare to feel very un-merry.
Official Trump Store
The official Trump store is supposed to be for the nonpresidential things in Trump’s “brand,” but you will be unsurprised to learn that there is still a ton of Dear Leader merch. Also, in case you were wondering, the tagline for the site is: “Infuse the elegance of Trump in your next event,” which actually makes it sound like Trump, the person, could somehow be distilled and pumped into your holiday party—a genuinely horrifying thought.
How about wrapping yourself up in this lovely 45th & 47th President Woven Blanket?
Or perhaps imagine walking into your family holiday and seeing your little cousin snuggled under this? Such a bargain at $200!
Or maybe a little something for the ladies? A lovely little handbag, clocking in at $550 a pop: It’s the Bling Clutch, studded with Swarovski crystals.
Have you been thinking, “Hey, I wonder what it would look like if my sleep paralysis demon assumed physical form?” If so, we bring you the $65 DJT Driver Cover, which goes on your golf clubs, apparently? Keep your bag out in the garage so this thing can’t attack you in your sleep.
The Trumps have no qualms about cross-promotion, which is why you can get an Under Siege Hat, so you can sport the title of Eric Trump’s latest book on your cranium for a mere $50. One small problem: People will definitely start edging away from anyone wearing a hat like this at the holiday party.
Trump Winery
Eric Trump must be in charge of the family’s terrible wines these days, because there really isn’t any other reason that his “Under Siege” book is available over in the merchandise section there. Nothing says “fine wines” like a book from one of Trump’s large adult sons whining about how hard he has it.
But perhaps if you want something actually wine-related, you’d pick up this Presidential Reserve + 2 Complimentary Flutes for $245.47. A small price to pay for whatever fake-ass seal got slapped on these glasses, right?
If that’s too rich for your blood, you can drop $30 on a T-shirt emblazoned with a U.S. flag made out of wine bottles. Honestly, this is pretty low-key for the Trump family.
God Bless The USA Bible
Get excited about the “buy more, save more” deal on Trump Bibles that is happening right now! There are … nine different versions? You probably want to spring for the $99.99 version that commemorates both of Trump’s presidential terms, because that is definitely a thing that is appropriate for the family Bible.
Trump Guitars
Is Donald Trump known for his love of guitars somehow? Who, exactly, is the market for these? Sure, you might want to keep it relatively normal and get a plain old black guitar while still lining the pockets of the president, but why would you do that when you could get the American Eagle Electric Guitar? The version autographed by Trump will set you back a mere $11,500 and immediately become the ugliest thing in your house.
Trump Sneakers
The Trump Sneakers site sells sneakers and slides, but it is also, inexplicably, where you can buy Trump fragrances. The showstopper here, sure to please the sneakerhead in your life, is the Trump 2028 Gold High Tops, which will run you $799, unless you want a pair for yourself as well, in which case you can get two pairs for $999. Bargain!
If you want something a little softer for the lady in your life and the lady in your life happens to love sneakers that look vaguely orthopedic, first lady Melania’s got her own sneaks as well, for a mere $299.
Melania Trump
Melania’s site is doing heavy promotion for her movie and book, as if she’s some sort of auteur, but it isn’t like she was going to skip out on selling some tacky shit just like the rest of the fam. $600 gets you this Vote Freedom pendant that looks like something you’d get out of a gum machine at a fourth-rate patriotic theme park. It’ll look great with the sneakers.
Don Jr.
Oh no. Someone forgot to tell Don Jr. that his daddy loves Big Tech now, so he’s still awkwardly hawking this $29.99 tee-shirt over on his honestly kinda sad website where he’s still also trying to hawk his book about “turning the tables” on Joe Biden. Buddy, your dad is president. You’re incredibly rich. You and your ilk run everything and own everything. Let it go. Oh, but also you might want to get rid of this shirt before dad sees it.
Share your worst gift ideas in the comments below, and Merry Christmas to all—except the Trumps.
