’Tis the season for terrorizing Fox News viewers as they sit beside the family hearth, basking in the warm, abiding glow of Jeanine Pirro’s screeching head. And in the wild, woolly world of Republican piffle, we have a robust defense of a rogue Baphomet beheader and the gruesome spectacle of two feral Republicans arguing over who’s more Christian.
It all starts with everyone’s favorite Christmas elf, Baphomet! Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, whose presidential campaign may soon be put on life support if anyone can find a pulse, is bravely standing up to Satan—and accusing his ex-political lodestar of being an unrepentant Satan-coddler. That’s exactly how serious the Republican Party is these days.
Right-wing outlet The Blaze recently shared a story on X, involving a veteran who tore down and beheaded a holiday Satan statue at the Iowa State Capitol (allegedly!). The statue of Baphomet, a pagan idol, was erected by the Satanic Temple of Iowa, and is permitted under a policy that allows temporary displays from all religions.
But Michael Cassidy, a 35-year-old Mississippi man, was apparently so put out by the graven image that he reportedly vandalized it in the name of his preferred god—pretty much proving why policies allowing religious displays on public land are unworkable. Cassidy has since been charged with fourth-degree criminal mischief and was released. But president-ish candidate DeSantis won’t let go.
RELATED STORY: Federal judge clears way for After School Satan Club (and religious freedom)
On Friday morning, DeSantis responded to the story with righteous, white-boot rage.
For the non-xweeters:
Satan has no place in our society and should not be recognized as a “religion” by the federal government. I’ll chip in to contribute to this veteran’s legal defense fund.
Good prevails over evil — that’s the American spirit.
Except that’s not the American spirit. The American spirit is about acknowledging everyone’s religious beliefs and leaving them alone to do their thing, free of oppression. Preferably in private. But when a guy’s down nearly 30 points in the polls and desperately needs a boost, he’ll take any opportunity to pander to his Donald Trump’s base.
Speaking of American Christians’ ocher idol, DeSantis is also trying to use the Satanic Temple’s constitutionally protected right to free expression to diminish The Former Guy. Why? Because under the Trump administration, the IRS gave the Temple official standing as a religion.
During a CNN town hall on Tuesday, before the statue was vandalized, DeSantis criticized Trump for preparing the way for Satan.
DeSantis said he believed it was a wrong-headed Trump administration decision that gave the Satanic Temple, a nationwide network headquartered in Salem, Massachusetts, standing as a religious organization.
“The Trump administration gave them approval to be under the IRS as a religion, so that gave them the legal ability to potentially do it,” he said.
DeSantis said he was surprised by the 2019 U.S. Internal Revenue Service ruling, which the Satanic Temple told the Associated Press it believed would help it in religious discrimination legal cases and allow it to pursue faith-based government grants.
“[The government] recognized it as a religion, otherwise you wouldn’t have been able to do it; I don’t think that was the right decision,” DeSantis said.
Team DeSantis was so sure this point was a winner, they xweeted about it.
So now DeSantis wants the government to start telling people their religions aren’t really religions? That seems fair and all-American.
Meanwhile, the Trump campaign, whose candidate is roughly as Christian as a grilled Cheesus, is hitting back, claiming that poopy-head DeSantis is totally not a real Christian.
“Ron DeSanctus has a lot of opinions on religion for a man who doesn’t even own his own Bible,” Trump campaign spokesperson Steven Cheung wrote in an email to The Des Moines Register. “This is a sad attempt by a dying candidate in the last throes of his failed campaign, so he’s resorting to blatant lies and outright falsehoods that will finally put an end to his disastrous run.”
Well, when you’re right, you’re right. And for once, the Trump campaign is right.
RELATED STORY: DeSantis’ partisan identity is Christian. His personal identity isn’t very religious
Of course, this whole kerfuffle is only serving to highlight The Satanic Temple’s mission—which is manifestly worth repeating: “To encourage benevolence and empathy, reject tyrannical authority, advocate practical common sense, oppose injustice, and undertake noble pursuits.” Part of that mission involves “[applying] for equal representation when religious installations are placed on public property.”
In other words, these Satanists—who, to be clear, don’t actually worship or believe in Satan—are fighting for every American’s religious liberties. Unlike Ron DeSantis, who presumably favors certain religions over others.
Oh, and the Temple is also a champion for reproductive freedom, having run The Samuel Alito’s Mom’s Satanic Abortion Clinic for nearly a year now.
RELATED STORY: Satanic Temple opens telehealth abortion clinic and names it after Samuel Alito’s mom
In other words, they’re worth supporting with your hard-earned dollars, unlike DeSantis’ unholy grotesquerie of a presidential campaign. Or Trump’s, for that matter.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
