If you ever find yourself in legal peril, you might want to consider hiring Alina Habba as your attorney. But only if you’re on trial for dropping a house on a witch, because if you hire her for committing crimes in the real world, you’ll likely be in for a rude awakening.
Habba, who averages one star on Yelp for her legal work and five for her spot-on Barry Zuckerkorn impression, is currently representing Donald Trump, a lifelong (alleged!) criminal and con man who was also a federal employee for a time. Trump is facing loads of legal peril, and Habba’s job is to go on teevee to convince millions of people who are already sure he’s innocent that the Brobdingnagian heap of criminal and civil accusations against him were all meticulously curated by a sitting president who’s nothing but a listless amalgam of advanced dementia symptoms. If, during sentencing, she somehow manages to score him a hard-bristled toothbrush for his weekly prison urinal cleanings, that’ll just be gravy.
What does that mean? Who knows, really? The Rosetta stone for translating MAGA-speak into the King’s English is likely more fermented psychedelic toad venom than any of our snowflake liberal bodies could possibly handle.
HIGBIE: “Talk about the gag orders real quick, because these things are just absolutely wack to me. He’s campaigning for president of the United States again, and they’re putting gag orders on him [about] what he can and can’t say about a trial that is actually fueling his campaign, raising millions of dollars on it. … Could they even possibly throw him in jail? What would that look like?”
HABBA: “He’s protected by Secret Service, period. So I always tell people when they’re panicked, listen, he’s protected by Secret Service, No. 1. No. 2, he did nothing wrong. So when people go to jail it’s because they’ve done something wrong. Do we have crooked situations in and out of court, absolutely. Could they try? Probably, but it won’t work because there is still trial process. There is still facts, and unfortunately they’re not going to win on the facts. Secret Service will always protect President Trump, that’s the truth. They have to, wherever he is.”
Wait, what? Is she suggesting there’d be an OK Corral-style shootout between the Secret Service and the court bailiff working Trump’s New York fraud trial if Judge Arthur Engoron throws Trump in the cooler for blatantly violating his limited gag order? Or is she suggesting he has a stay-out-of-jail-free card because he has an armed Praetorian guard that’s paid for by the, uh, federal government—which may end up convicting him in one or both of the federal cases against him. Something tells me they’ll find a way to work through that little snag if and when he’s sentenced.
Ah, but none of that matters because—have you heard the good news, friend?—that big, mercurial ball of heaving, splenetic rage who stays up all night rage-tweeting like a roomful of chimps trying to replicate Shakespeare’s greatest expletive-laden encounters with kidney stones has done nothing wrong! Can’t you tell? Just look at how innocent he acts all the time!
HABBA: “But it’s not even something we think about, to be honest, because this is all political. It’s really not, there’s no criminal acts that he’s done. There’s no civil wrongs that he’s done, unless making money for banks is a civil wrong all of a sudden.”
HIGBIE: “Orange man bad, I mean, that’s the [unintelligible].”
HABBA: “It’s Trump derangement syndrome at its best. I’m not worried about him. He’s not worried, and so the American public shouldn’t be worried. He’s succeeding for a reason.”
HIGBIE: “I would dare this judge to try to try to throw him in jail.”
HABBA: “First Amendment. First Amendment is a thing.”
HIGBIE: “It is a thing.”
The First Amendment is a thing! You learn that on day one of law skool. This nearly proves—or at least suggests—that Alina showed up for her first day of classes. Though somehow she must have missed the part about the Secret Service not being a private army that allows you to go on “Purge”-style crime sprees until you’ve had your fortnightly fill of lightly braised street urchin.
Meanwhile, one ex-Trump attorney, Ty Cobb, thinks Trump, who’s already been fined $10,000 for violating the limited gag order in his civil trial, actually will spend time in jail for running afoul of at least one of the gag orders against him (oh, you thought there was only one?) no matter how many cult members he has in his Secret Service detail and how many Molotov cocktails they’ve been stockpiling in their arts and crafts rooms. But Cobb thinks he’s more likely to be jailed for violating Judge Tanya Chutkan’s gag order in the election interference case than for further irritating Engoron.
Granted, both Cobb and Habba have worked for Trump, but Cobb represented Trump when he was still pr*sident, well before he exhausted every name in the “law” section of the Yellow Pages and was forced to move on to the “lawn and garden” section. (Hey, if anyone still uses the Yellow Pages, it’s Trump.)
Of course, Newsmax isn’t really a news station, and Habba isn’t really a lawyer. Though she does play one on TV. Poorly, it turns out. Unlike this guy.
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