Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Peeps FRIDAY!

You are now below the fold. Watch out for Easter Bunny doo doo.

“Man, you know Trump gotta be mad—he paid all that hush money and nobody hushed. … Trump’s gotta provide a DNA sample, which if you think about it is kinda how he got in this mess in the first place. The upside with Trump’s DNA is now the NYPD can probably solve a whole bunch of cold cases from the ’80s.”
—The Daily Show guest host Roy Wood Jr.

“I think in general people might be overreacting to this indictment. Like an actual headline on CNN yesterday was, Nothing in American history approaches the tumult of the charging and possible trial and conviction of a former president. A more accurate headline would be: A man we all knew was criminal may be criminal.”
—Colin Jost, SNL

–

“92-year-old Fox News chairman Rupert Murdoch has reportedly called off his engagement. Yeah, don’t rush into anything—you’ve got your whole month ahead of you.”
—Seth Meyers

“Cup Noodles has introduced a breakfast version of their instant ramen that mixes the flavors of sausage, maple syrup, pancakes, and eggs. The flavor will be called Mom Left.”
—Michael Che, SNL

And now, our feature presentation…

–

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 7, 2023

Note: Due to a scheduling conflict, the Easter Bunny will be on a junket in Abu Dhabi this weekend. In its place will be Good King Wenceslas in a bunny costume. (He needs the off-season work. The Uber gig isn’t cutting it.)  —Mgt.

–

By the Numbers:

Days ’til the White House Easter Egg Roll: 3

Days ’til the start of Spring SF Restaurant Week in San Francisco: 7

Amount Maine is receiving from the EPA for upgrades to our drinking water infrastructure: $62 million

Total amount EPA will be allocating for drinking water improvements nationwide: $5.6 billion

Percent by which tax audits on those making $400,000 or less will be expanded this year, according to the IRS: 0%

Drop in Trump’s net worth in the latest Forbes assessment: -$700 Million

Number of times you could circle the globe with the 16 billion jelly beans that’ll be eaten at Easter time: 3

–

Puppy Pic of the Day: 2.2 million views….

–

–

CHEERS to wrapping up a wild week. As we hippity-hop into the Easter weekend, it’s worth pausing to take a peek back at the pile of rubble marking the Avalanche ‘O News that fell on us this week…most of it good, but with one turd that reeks of an unwashed MAGA cultist barking about rainbows printed on clothing in a Target store:

✌  The 45^th president of the United  States was indicted on 34 felony counts of breaking the law in New York. He faces more than a century behind bars.

✌  All the 45^thpresident’s men, including Mike Pence, have now been ordered to testify to the feds about what they saw and heard before and during the January 6^th insurrection.

✌  The state Supreme Court in Wisconsin fell under liberal control with the election of Judge Janet Protasiewicz in a landslide. (A bit of credit goes to the support contributed by the Daily Kos community. Next time you’re in Wisconsin, feel free to pluck a cheddar ball off one of the state’s famed cheese bushes.)

✌  Nearly as impressive, in Milwaukee County Sara Geenen thumped conservative incumbent William Brash in a 69-31 landslide for a seat on the state Court of Appeals.

✌  The real Democrat, Brandon Johnson, won the mayor’s race in Chicago. Lowering the crime rate will be a priority, but don’t forget the prime directive: fill the potholes and plow the roads…or else.

✌  Republicans may have booted two of the “Tennessee Three” from the state legislature yesterday—for doing nothing more than calling for their colleagues to do something about school shootings beyond thoughts and prayers—but they’ll be back and, in the immortal words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, “more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” 

✌  Michigan Democrats officially made abortion legal in the state by abolishing the ban passed in 1931.

✌  Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas got busted by Pro Publica for failing to disclose that he took lavish trips on a Republican backer’s dime. Nothing will happen, however, because he’s above the law.

✌  Today’s employment report for March: 236,000 new jobs. Unemployment rate steady at 3.5%. 

✌  The slate of astronauts who will travel to (but not land on) the moon next year aboard the Artemis II spacecraft was announced. One of them even has lady parts!

✌  President Biden stayed out of the media circus and got shit done.

Wow! Good work, everyone. As for the turd that reeks of an unwashed MAGA cultist barking about rainbows printed on clothing in a Target store: that would be this guy, an unwashed MAGA cultist who started barking about rainbows printed on clothing in a Target store. I forget his name but I think it’s Turd McReeky.

CHEERS to holiday fevuh!  2023 years ago today (or thereabouts), a bunch of Roman thugs nailed a rabbi to a cross while the filthy rabble with six teeth among them and a combined IQ of 12 allegedly watched Jesus Christ suffer and moan and dehydrate and bleed to death in the baking sun.  I’ll never understand why Christians call it “Good Friday.”  Sounds more like Monday to me.

Then, two days from today is Easter Sunday, which is notable for two things: the day the aforementioned Christ the Savior rose from the dead, and the day Lenny the tomb attendant checked into rehab.

CHEERS to escaping hell in a handbasket.  257 years ago this week, in April of 1766, the first fire escape was patented—it consisted of a wicker basket lowered by a pulley and chain.  Of course they’ve evolved a lot since then.  The new wicker fire escape baskets have GPS and a cup holder.

–

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

–

–

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

–

CHEERS to a fine FLOTUS.  Happy Birthday tommorow to the late Betty Ford on what would be her 105th birthday. She gained fame in an era that many Americans can vaguely remember—namely, a time when the GOP had a smattering of class.  But even then, she was a persistent thorn in her party’s side:

Throughout her husband’s term in office, she maintained high approval ratings, though some on the far-right of her own Republican Party strongly opposed her on more liberal social issues.

Betty Ford was noted for raising breast cancer awareness with her 1974 mastectomy and was a passionate supporter for the Equal Rights Amendment.

Pro-choice on abortion and a leader in the Women’s Movement, she gained fame as one of the most candid first ladies in history, commenting on every hot button issue of the time from sex to drugs.

Her most enduring legacy, of course, is the Betty Ford Center.  Sadly, the center doesn’t have a wing for candy corn addicts like me.  But I’m happy to say my self-administered Charms Blow Pop replacement therapy seems to be holding.  One day at a time.

CHEERS to home vegetation. If you adjust your rabbit ears just right, you’ll find a few things to hippity-hop about on the tube this Easter weekend. Our picks tonight are the latest on the Trump indictment and Tuesday’s election victories on MSNBC, new Penn & Teller: Fool Us! and Whose Line Is It Anyway on The CW, a The Office marathon on Comedy Central, and you can join me at #allstartrek starting at 8 for live-tweeting of the original Star Trek classic The Trouble with Tribbles (airing on the H&I network).

Meanwhile the most popular movies and streamers, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes.  The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the Major League Baseball schedule is here.  The Masters golf tournament airs all weekend on CBS, and as usual my money is on the ghost of Sam Snead to win it all.  Molly Shannon hosts SNL.

I don’t know if Pope Francis is doing his Easter morning service or not, but if he is it’ll be aired on every channel starting around 3am. (Do tell me how much you enjoyed it when we meet up here Monday morning.)

On 60 Minutes: who cares? No Simpsons or Family Guy Sunday night because of a NASCAR thing, but there’s an all-star Grammy Salute to the Beach Boys at 8 on CBS. And after a new episode of Succession, John Oliver wraps up the weekend with another edition of Last Week Tonight at 11 on HBO. Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: TBA

CNN’s State of the Union: Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY); Rep. Tony Gonzales (The Cult-TX).

This Week: Trump attorney Jim Trusty (who can’t be trusty’d as far as he can be throwy’d); worst attorney general in American history Bill Barr, who made it his mission to protect the worst president in American history; major league baseball commissioner Rob Manfred.

Face the Nation: Senate Chaplain Barry Black (who recently pushed Congress to “move beyond thoughts and prayers” in responding to gun violence); House Democratic Caucus chair Rep. Pete Aguilar (D-CA); Rep. Mike Turner (The Cult-OH); a gaggle of historians see whose jaws can drop lowest to the floor as they discuss the current Republican mad dash for full-on fascism.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Lindsey Graham (The Cult-SC) and Ben Cardin (D-DE).

Happy viewing!

–

Ten years ago in C&J: April 7, 2013

JEERS to sour notes. Senator Lindsay Graham was on Meet the Press yesterday, and trotted out a phrase that sounds like vintage Frank Luntz. This literally turned my stomach:

“We’re beginning to set the stage for the grand bargain,” said Graham. But he mentioned one idea that Obama has not proposed—raising the eligibility age for Medicare benefits from the current age of 65. Graham called for a change to “harmonize the retirement age of Medicare with Social Security.” For middle-aged and younger workers, the eligibility age for full Social Security retirement benefits is 67. For Medicare benefits, the eligibility age is now 65.

I got yer harmonization right here, Lindsay. In the key of FU.

–

And just one more…

CHEERS to Kodak moments. If Donald Trump’s presidential photographer—who he of course stiffed because that’s his prime directive on Planet Earth—had ever gotten a shot like this, it would be framed and hanging on every Republican’s living room wall as a totally-real example of his divine awesomeness. Instead, a different president’s photographer (the great Pete Souza) snapped it six years ago this month, and Republicans lost their collective shit. In the hopes that it might make them chew through a few more inches of sheet metal in their survival bunkers, here’s a replay for nostalgia’s sake:

And, by contrast, here’s Obama’s one-term, twice-impeached, 34-times-indicted successor:

Mother Nature. Definitely a Democrat.

Have a great weekend and a happy Easter. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

–