GREENE: “By the way, you can pick up a butt plug or a dildo at Target and CVS nowadays. I don’t really know how we got here. Sorry. You may still be finishing your dessert. I apologize. But this is the state we’re living in now, and it’s so weird.”
I have questions.
- Which aisle?
- You mean these? No, these are Glade PlugIns. They don’t work as well as you might think.
- Seriously, though, I don’t see them anywhere.
- No, those are suppositories.
- Hey, should I pick up some Boone’s Farm as long as I’m here?
- I’ve also grabbed some lube. STP, right?
- Oh! I found a Mike Pence bobblehead. Will this do the trick? It would be like getting railed by an albino yeti, which is actually a lot higher on my bucket list than you might think.
- Wait, how exactly do you know this, anyway?
Then again, maybe I shouldn’t be so glib. It’s bad enough when kids scream at their parents in the candy aisle because they want a Snickers. This could make my Friday night sex shopping both far more convenient and far more fraught.
Of course, finding butt plugs at major retailers isn’t the only thing you can do these days. You can also vote for a guy who sups with Nazis, steals top secret nuclear documents, tried to overthrow the government, and openly calls for terminating the Constitution. And he’s a lot harder to ignore than drug store sex toys—and still would be, even if every CVS employee were required to wear a garish button saying, “Ask Me About My Butt Plug!”
There’s more on this Young Republican event in Sunday’s New York Post, but since I’d rather staple my scrotum to my forehead—or anyone else’s forehead, for that matter—than link to one of Rupert Murdoch’s papers, I’ll just leave you with one (unlinked) excerpt:
Others in attendance included former Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Bannon, James O’Keefe of Project Veritas, and congressman-elect George Santos of Nassau County.
Greene bragged about not supporting a “single penny” to help Ukraine battle Russia while suggesting money would be better spent on attacking drug cartels in Mexico.
“They care about a country called Ukraine whose borders are far away and most of you couldn’t find it on a map,” added Greene, who received an award from the club.
Yeah, saying that most of her fans couldn’t find Ukraine on a map isn’t the mic-drop moment she seems to think it is. And Ukraine is fighting against a murderous, autocratic regime intent on wiping it off the face of the Earth, not a group of starry-eyed asylum-seekers who want to work hard, contribute to our economy, and help ameliorate our long-term labor shortage.
But hey, when was the last time any of these jabronis made even a lick of sense?
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
